In a gossipy phone chat earlier today, the fearless comic swore she'll "never get married again." She comes clean about her new sweetheart, Maj. Todd Brazil, the "super-hot" dude she met while cheering up the troops in Iraq.

And although she's pretty sure it's "never going to work as a relationship," she knows this: "I'm his booty call." In other words, it's kind of like friends with benefits, but more like "a war hero with benefits."

Here's a snippet of a Q&A to run in print in January before her two shows Jan. 12 at the Wells Fargo Center (35-$45, both shows will be taped for her new Bravo stand-up special):

Q: Any New Year's resolutions, people to bag on in 2007, aside from Britney?
A: First of all, I'm super excited about Miss USA.
Q: She's gonna be fun.
A: I know that the real story is how Donald (Trump) spun it, but I'm thinking the real story is - hold it, you mean there's an apartment that holds Miss USA, Miss Teen USA and Miss Universe? All in one apartment? That's gotta be like "The Real World Vegas" squared. Of course they're all making out and doing blow off each other's ---es.
Q: Where's the camera?
A: And where's the chaperone? So I'll be watching the pageants. And I would say Britney's going to deliver in a big way. But I'm looking for that unexpected. I'm looking for that Clay Aiken-Kelly Ripa who-woulda-thunk-it fight. I'm looking for the Tom Cruise - which came first, the chicken or the egg? Was he always crazy or did Oprah turn him crazy?
Q: Or just a little Doogie Howser.
A: Right. Exactly. Outta the blue. My favorites really are the ones that you kinda thought were perfect and then you see the flaws.

The mad cinephiles at the Sonoma Valley Film Festival are already starting to confirm toasters and roasters for the 10th anniversary tribute to John Lasseter in April.

The know-it-all host for the evening will be none other than frequent Pixar voice and "Cheers" alum John Ratzenberger, whose most notable Pixar turn has to be Hamm the piggy bank. Also confirmed: Cheech Marin, aka Ramone in "Cars." Look for more glitterati, including top Pixar execs and frequent collaborators, to sign on soon. Like, Steve Jobs? Er, Randy Newman? "You're asking all the right questions," teased festival marketing guru Greg Hittelman.

Tip: Start saving now. The only way to score tix to the April 14 Lasseter tribute is the $450 Premier Pass or the $1200 ($600 tax deductable!!!) Patron Pass. But fret not, plebes, rare seldom seen Pixar short films are promised throughout the festival, April 11-15.

Music biz vet Matt Kramer, who once ran the legendary Monday night "Hoots" open mic at the Troubadour in L.A. in the '70s, now hosts a house concert series at the FrogSong cohousing community in Cotati. (Tip: When you stumble out of the 8-Ball bar, aim south).

Tonight, he brings in singer-songwriter Kenny Edwards (pictured to the right), who co-founded the Stone Poneys with Linda Ronstadt in the 1960s and went on to produce Karla Bonoff and Vince Gill. Check out his folkie blues songs "Misery and Happiness," recorded live at KPIG, and his take on the Blind Willie McTell classic "Statesboro Blues" at www.kennyedwards.com.

Over the past two years, Rosalie Sorells and Nina Gerber (who joins Edwards tonight) have dropped by Kramer's pot-luck showcase to play the big yellow "common house" in the Scandinavian-style 'hood. From bowling alleys to churches, just add it to the list of quirky venues in Sonoma County

Back in the day, Kramer staged a who's who of L.A. songwriters (trivia: that's his b&w photo of Tom Waits on the back cover of the album "Nighthawks at the Diner") both at the Troubadour (where he first met Edwards) and at his own club At My Place in Santa Monica. In January, he plans to branch out and book Sunday afternoon house concerts at the hybrid health and gift store he runs with his wife, Ordinary Miracles, 8280 Old Redwood Highway.

Show at 8 p.m. Saturday. $10. For exact directions call Kramer at 795-6057 or email mkramer@mattkramer.com.

Dear Ric Ocasek,

For the first time in decades, I miss you more than your wife. Really. You were always that weird gawky guy with the pasty face, hiding behind the black Ray-Bans. Paulina Porizkova, on the other hand, was a supermodel from Czechoslovakia who made Sports Illustrated worth buying, once a year, every spring.
But, Tuesday night at the Wells Fargo Center, while sitting in a half-empty room watching the New Cars - a tribute band that races through your songs faster than karaoke night - I wished you'd been there. To hop on stage, yes, but also to laugh at all the right moments.
Like Todd Rundgren. He plays you. If you said "danke schoen" after every song. And made jokes about the New Cars and New Coke. And sang "Bang the Drum All Day."
Some bass player who looks like Scott Baio stands in for the late Benjamin Orr, awkwardly auditioning for the right to sing "Drive." Guitarist Elliott Easton is so happy to be on stage again, he occasionally goes off on crazy 10-minute guitar solos, like on "You're All I've Got Tonight," until everyone except faithful drummer Prairie Prince (remember him from the Tubes?) just quits playing and watches.
Like any good wedding band, they get into it. Don't get me wrong. And they love playing loud. And the one "new" original song, a slow ballad called "Warm," is god awful.
But you probably know all this. When they asked you to hit the road, you refused. With only two original members in the band - Easton on guitar and Greg Hawkes on keyboards - they came up with the New Cars. Odds are, it was gonna suck. But don't forget, after Bon Scott died, AC/DC pulled off the greatest resurrection ever. INXS, Journey, Judas Priest and The Doors, not so much.
Not that the Cars were a great live band to begin with. You always hated the road and it showed all over your face. MTV was another story. Like Joey Ramone in a mullet and a skinny tie, you were the '80s New Wave video posterboy.
Now you're kicking it at home with the wife and kids. I just thought you should know how sorely missed you are. The New Cars know the words to all the songs, like any honest bar band. But that's about it. It's probably why less than 600 people bought tickets. Not even half the amount Gordon Lightfoot sold earlier this year. Now there's a name you don't hear much anymore. Oh well, tell your wife I said, hi. And maybe check out Gordon Lightfoot some time.

Merry Christmas,

Sadsack '80s Castaway in Santa Rosa